Meanwhile, back on Earth . . .

Belated holiday wishes!

2012-02-07T07:07:00.001-06:00

I hope that your holidays were wonderful and wide, that you had a very merry cringle and a real new year.

So here it is, February 7th, and I am only just now getting around to making my first entry of 2012. That, plus that fact that my last entry was 127 days ago, on October 3rd, could reasonably lead one to ask, “So what’s up with ‘Meanwhile, back on Earth . . . ‘?” Has Old Ned given up on writing?

Quite the contrary. Unlike Regis, Old Ned has not retired. The sharp drop-off in blogging has been due to the fact that my freelance writing gigs have been quite steady lately and have, until just a few days ago, consumed the overwhelming majority of my waking hours. I’ve been continuously engaged since last summer and in that time have completed four different projects, publishing three 125-page books, plus another of over 300 pages.

That’s a lot of writing.

But I mean to get back to my blogging, especially now that I’ve cleaned-up my backlog of freelance projects. And I’m eager to do some writing just to amuse myself, for a change.

Stay tuned. There are still good times to come.

As seen last night

2011-10-03T11:08:00.002-05:00

fresh haiku

2011-10-02T17:45:00.002-05:00

the joy of new space

and promise of a new day

welcome good fortune

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Moving day in Chicago: "So long, demon spawn!"

2011-09-30T15:21:00.003-05:00

YouTube Tuesday: A visit with Sir Paul

2011-08-02T17:13:00.004-05:00

Not being a Cubs fan, I’m not often interested or involved with what’s going at Wrigley Field, even though I live in the neighborhood. However, having been a huge Beatles fan in my youth I was excited by Paul McCartney’s recent visit to the stadium.

Although I couldn’t afford tickets, I did enjoy listening to him live, from on the street outside the ballpark, on Sunday and Monday night.

Like thousands of others, I took a walk each night around the stadium, enjoying the neighborhood party and Paul’s performances of 1985, Let em in, Live and Let Die, Hey Jude, A Day in the Life/All You Need is Love and other tunes. (And thanks for the fireworks, sir Paul!)

In honor of his visit, for today’s YouTube Tuesday, I offer the following video selections of some of Sir Paul’s more recent live performances:

> Magical Mystery Tour

> Birthday

> Helter Skelter

> Golden Slumbers/Carry that Weight/The End

Enjoy.

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Exit Mordy

2011-07-30T13:36:00.004-05:00

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This past Monday evening I found myself back in Deerfield, Illinois on my last shoot date for Marc Morgan and Jeremy Turkin’s independent feature, “Mordy to the Max.” I say “back” because the date had originally been set for a Tuesday night last month, but when we arrived at the location a sudden violent storm knocked out the power and forced us to reschedule.

This time around the weather was perfect. When Marc and I arrived the sky was clear and blue and the temperature and humidity pleasingly dry and comfortable. The only potentially discouraging circumstance was the shrill buzz of cicadas that greeted us as we got out of Marc’s truck, which might have made recording sound rather problematic. Happily for us, by the time the equipment was set up for the shot, the sun had gone down and the cicadas had silenced themselves.

The scene itself was short, easy and fun to do. Prior to the shoot I had given some thought as to how my character would show his six championship rings on camera - a comedic bit which had been carried out in a variety of different hand gestures in all of his previous scenes. Since in this scene, he would be in the comfort of his own home late at night and called to answer his front door, it seemed plausible that he might appear with a drink in hand. Marc liked the idea and then built upon it: “Why don’t you try doing the scene slightly inebriated?”

I did, and from what I saw in the playback, the result was pretty good. (Marc's note to play the scene with "lazy eyes" was especially helpful.)

After recording a few takes of that, all that remained for me to do was a little ADR work (Automated Dialogue Replacement, more familiarly known as “dubbing”) which Marc had been saving for our last session together. He needed several lines of my character, Coach Bishop, shouting into his telephone, for a couple of scenes where the Coach could be heard from off camera, behind the closed door to his office.

Marc and I went into his special recording studio (hint: it was parked in the driveway and we had to roll the windows up so that we wouldn’t disturb the neighbors). Since the script only indicated that the coach could be heard yelling in the background, and did not provide actual dialogue, my lines were to be improvised. Marc suggested several scenarios for various phone conversations -- such as the coach having an argument with an administrator about questionable expenditures for his athletes, another conversation in which the coach demands that one of his recruiters secure a hot prospect, and so forth. Although I was to rant and rave, being both intimidating and sarcastic in the manner of someone castigating an underling, I was not to resort to obscenities -- at least not to the really nasty ones.

We did four or five audio takes. In the first few, I was “in my head“ thinking too much about the circumstances of each conversation rather than fully diving into my character. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I must have been tense. I think I was holding my breath a lot and I suddenly found myself experiencing an uncomfortable bout of heartburn. Fortunately, by the third or fourth take I relaxed and somehow got past thinking about what I was going to say, to simply being the character, reacting in the moment. And it wasn’t until then that we got some good spontaneous stuff on tape. (I really must get back to practicing improv regularly, I was definitely a little rusty on Monday night.)

So that was my last bit of work in “Mordy to the Max.” All in all, it has been a very good experience; I am looking forward to seeing the completed film, and I appreciate having been asked to appear in it. Thank you Marc. I hope we’ll have the opportunity of working together again in the future. Till then, good luck in LA!

Going through doors

2011-07-25T16:30:00.013-05:00

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Tonight’s my last night of shooting for “Mordy to the Max” and I’m looking forward to it with the same sense of bittersweet anticipation that I’ve always experienced on the last night of my favorite stage productions. As with those, I’ve enjoyed being a part of this project, I am pleased with the quality of the production, and I know that I’m going to miss working with Marc and his crew. So I will savor my last moments acting in "Mordy".

Though my bit tonight is short, it’s one of my favorite things to do as an actor -- starting the scene by opening a door. There’s something special about opening a door to step from one world to another. It's a transformative moment with a decidedly visceral kick, best exemplified on the big screen in the instant when Dorothy stepped the from the dull, black and white interior of her battered farmhouse into the vivid color of the land of Oz and proclaimed, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

In my very first experience onstage in community theater, I had the pleasure of beginning each of my performances by opening a door and ushering my wife into a cocktail party in “Everything in the Garden,” by Edward Albee. I’ll never forget the night of our final dress rehearsal, when I was so shocked at that moment by the sudden realization of “Here I am onstage!” that I quickly got befuddled and went up in my lines.

Happily, I survived the experience and went on to my all time favorite production my very next time onstage, as Petey in “The Birthday Party” by Harold Pinter. Every night the play began with me opening a door and walking into the front parlor of a rundown seaside boarding house. There was some wonderful atmospheric pre-show music to that production and it was always a delicious thrill for me to stand on the stoop, just outside the door, visualizing the elements, taking in the sea air, as it were. After listening for the squawking sea gulls at the end of the final track, I’d open the door and go inside. “Is that you, Petey?” And we were off . . .

I’m looking forward to such a moment tonight, as brief as it might be.

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hot night in the city

2011-07-25T15:02:00.003-05:00

El Station Artwork: Main St, Evanston

2011-07-22T18:04:00.002-05:00

Playing in Peoria

2011-07-20T21:49:00.014-05:00

A few weeks back I blogged about my latest acting venture, my participation in a new independent feature by Marc Morgan and Jeremy Turkin called “Mordy to the Max”. It’s a nerd sports comedy in which I play the part of six time national champion college basketball coach, Coach Bishop.

This past weekend we had a big shoot at the new basketball coliseum at Bradley University, in Peoria. To get there from Chicago entailed carpooling with three other actors and members of the crew, leaving the city at 6:00 am Saturday morning and returning late Sunday afternoon.

When I last blogged about this production, I commented, “so far my participation has been fun, though plagued by some odd circumstances” (On the first shoot date I was to act in I had to perform after having pulled an “all nighter“ for a big freelance writing project I had to finish on a tight deadline; and then the next time I was on set, a sudden violent storm knocked out the power for many hours, forcing us to reschedule).

Setting out for Peoria on Saturday morning, it seemed that this pattern of unfortunate circumstances was continuing: One of the principal actors had been arrested the night before (but was fortunately, released in time to make the shoot), another important player had to cancel at the last minute due to a death in the family, and as we began driving south on route 55 one of the members of the crew begged us to pull over so he could get out of the car to throw up.

I wondered, “What next?” Although I strove to convey a positive attitude, I have to admit I was skeptical about the likelihood of the weekend going well. For one thing, we had to shoot a realistic looking tryout for a college basketball team, despite the fact that one of the key actors isn’t an athlete and can’t really play basketball, and that the one actor who really could play was the one who had to cancel due to the death in the family. Worse, we’d already shot several scenes with the missing actor and there wouldn’t be another opportunity to shoot again at the coliseum in Peoria. Somehow, we’d have to shoot around him.

Also, a great deal of the success of the shoot would depend upon the quality of players “trying out” for the team -- a group of extras (walk-on players in every sense of the word) we would meet for the first time when we arrived at the coliseum. Would enough of them show up? How patient would they be in working with our crew and non-athletic actors? Could they act?

As it turned out, things couldn’t have gone better. Our director Marc and his crew displayed great positivity, creativity and patience in dealing with the day’s challenges, coming up with a rather offbeat way of compensating for the missing actor and showing considerable ability in coaching realistic looking performances from our actors and extras. Tyler, the actor who was required to play the part of a star basketball player despite having no real basketball skills, rose to the challenge and did a great job of working his way through the special shots devised to make him look authentic, all the while performing in front of a bunch of real basketball player extras. (Now that’s what I call acting!) The extras did a great job, appeared to be having a good time, and were quite natural in their acting on camera.

All in all, I was impressed by the experience and I can’t wait to see how this picture turns out. I think it’s going to be pretty damned good.

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My wonderwall

2011-07-05T22:43:00.002-05:00

Speaking of Wonderwall . . .

2011-07-05T22:42:00.003-05:00

Today's YouTube Tuesday features cuts from George Harrison's classic 1968 Album, "Wonderwall Music":

>Party Seacombe

>Greasy Legs

>Ski-ing

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Mordy to the Max

2011-06-28T12:18:00.012-05:00

Here I am, along with writer/director/actor, Marc Morgan, in my latest acting endeavor, as Coach Bishop, 6-time college national champion basketball coach, in an independent feature now in production: “Mordy to the Max” by Marc Morgan and Jeremy Turkin.

I first met Marc several years ago, as a fellow actor in a short by Columbia College student Cory Poplin. A year later we worked together on another of Cory’s videos, and after a few more years passed, Marc invited me to be a part of this project .

So far my participation has been fun, though plagued by some odd circumstances. My first shoot date a few weeks back came on the morning after I had pulled an all-nighter to complete a big freelance writing project, and I was fearful that I was too tired to act. (Check out the bags under my eyes.) Although I had some difficulties remembering my lines, the shoot went well -- everyone was in good spirits and somehow we got through the scene without having to do too many retakes. Since then I've heard that the footage turned out just fine.

Last Tuesday was to have been my second night of shooting, and it was Marc himself who picked me up for the drive up to the location in Deerfield. Just as we entered the town the sky got very dark, the wind began blowing hard, and tornado sirens went off. As we drove into the driveway of the suburban home at the location, there was a sudden cloudburst and the rain began coming down really hard, blown sideways by the heavy wind. We ran for the cover of the house and watched from inside as several large branches were ripped from the trees and strewn across the neighborhood. Although the storm didn’t last very long, we soon lost power -- the entire area being blacked out till 9:00 am the following morning -- and the shoot had to be rescheduled to later this summer.

Along with the scene in Deerfield, there remain several more to be shot over the next couple of months, including one coming up in late July set in a college basketball coliseum in Peoria. Till then, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that there won’t be an earthquake.

If you want to learn more about "Mordy to the Max" check out:

www.mordytothemax.com

www.facebook.com/mordytothemax

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"Just one more thing . . . "

2011-06-24T14:31:00.017-05:00

Yesterday a wonderful actor passed away, Peter Falk.

Star of the big and the small screen, Falk made numerous appearances on early TV shows such as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Twilight Zone and The Untouchables.

His work in film featured many memorable character roles in major box office hits of their day, including “A Pocketful of Miracles”, “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”, “The Great Race”, "Clue", “The Princess Bride”, and what is arguably the best movie comedy of the 1970’s, (in which he starred with Alan Arkin) “The In-Laws”.

Of course, he’ll always be remembered as TV’s most colorful detective, Lieutenant Columbo. Those old shows were wonderful plays of cat and mouse in which it was always a delicious pleasure to watch the rumpled, seemingly bumbling inspector reel in his adversary -- nearly always someone wealthier, better educated, and more accomplished than himself.

The obvious epitaph for his tombstone, as well as the title of Falk's 2006 collection of autobiographical anecdotes, is Columbo's iconic line, “Just one more thing . . ."

Rest in peace, Peter.

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I'm back!

2011-06-24T12:02:00.004-05:00

I am so excited. Earlier this week I bought a new digital camera as a birthday present to myself.

It’s the second digital camera I’ve ever owned. I bought my first one around 2005 or 2006, but for reasons I can’t recall now, it sat unopened in its original box on the back of a closet shelf for a couple of years. When I moved downtown from the suburbs, I finally got around to unpacking it and discovered that I really enjoyed taking pictures with it. I used it quite a bit to make this blog look better, as well as to add visuals to numerous desktop publishing projects.

Then in early 2010 some swine stole it - either picking my pocket while commuting to work on the Metra train or the El, or swiping it from my coat while it hung in the cloakroom of a very busy office out in the suburbs. By that time, I was really into using my camera. Losing it was like having an arm chopped off. And what with having to pay the rent and everything, more than a year has passed since then before I could afford to replace it.

But now that I‘ve got my new camera, you’ll be seeing a lot more from me.

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Marginalia

2011-06-22T13:40:00.002-05:00

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A few years back I blogged about some experiences I’d had as an improviser having to cope with being in chaotic scenes where no one was listening or engaging in genuine give and take {Playing in the margins (or not), Tuesday, November 13, 2007}. In such instances, I’d resorted to what I called playing in the margins -- filling in the background of improvised scenes with extraneous, independent action.

I likened this to the little cartoons which used to be featured in the margins of the pages of MAD Magazine:

"For my money the best part of the magazine was what went on inside, in the margins of the pages, where they put scores of tiny cartoons -- little bits of action outside the panels and completely independent from the stories in the featured strips. Tucked into the nooks and crannies of the magazine, these itsy-bitsy cartoons featured all sorts of random things like guys in a pit crew at a race track frantically working to change the tires on one of the cars, a hook and ladder brigade racing to a burning building, or fish evolving into higher forms of life and walking onto dry land. Funny little background pictures that would catch your eye as you turned the page."

Today I learned, courtesy of the cracked.com website, that this type of expression goes back to one of the earliest forms of written works - illuminated manuscripts laboriously created by hand by Medieval monks.

Here are a few examples of their marginalia:

As you can see, those monks could be pretty raunchy.

For more on this, and other filthy jokes hidden in ancient works of art, check out 8 Filthy Jokes Hidden in Ancient Works of Art, by Tom Lagana at cracked.com.

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Bad Haiku 44

2011-05-11T10:06:00.014-05:00

Red hot burning art,

destruction of artifice:

I'm drawn to the flame

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YouTube Tuesday: The Concert for New York City

2011-05-03T06:51:00.004-05:00

Today's edition of YouTube Tuesday features my favorite musical performance at the 2001 Concert for New York City.

This was by Melissa Etheridge, who overcame difficulties with both an out of tune guitar and a dead microphone to play rousing versions of "Come to My Window" and "Born to Run."

"Osama bin Laden, you can kiss my royal Irish ass!"

2011-05-02T12:44:00.012-05:00

My absolute favorite moment from the 2001 Concert for New York City (following the attacks of 9/11) came when NYC Police Officer Mike Moran stepped up to the microphone and declared to all those assembled at Madison Square Garden, and watching on TV across the nation and around the world:

"Osama bin Laden, you can kiss my royal Irish ass!"

Today is a great day for the first responders of New York City, the Navy Seals and other valiant defenders of our country, the Commander in Chief, and indeed for the entire United States of America. Thanks to all who have worked so bravely and tirelessly and have given so much to protect us from harm, Osama bin Laden is no more!

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FAKE PLASTIC BUSH - Episode 37: The Audition

2011-04-23T19:54:00.036-05:00

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Last summer I acted in a humorous video, “Fake Plastic Bush,” written and directed by my friend Ramon Maximo. In it, I played the part of a man who feeds romantic lines to a friend while hiding behind the aforementioned potted plant. Since then, it occurred to me that it might be amusing to do more videos featuring the plastic bush as a significant prop in a variety of other situations. What follows is my idea for such an episode.

(Opening shot: interior of a long hallway/reception area, with a row of benches along each wall. At the far end of the hallway is a receptionist’s desk, stationed before a spotlit banner bearing the words "LAMOUR PRODUCTIONS" and a large doorway, the main entry to the establishment.)

(The camera follows SOL DEARING, a well-groomed, middle-aged man wearing dark designer glasses as he walks up the hallway toward the receptionist’s desk, striding past a few young model/actresses waiting on the benches along the way. Seated at the desk is MS. DRESDEN, an attractive, professionally attired and somewhat repressed-looking young woman, nervously watching SOL approach.)

MS. DRESDEN: Good morning, Mr. Dearing.

(The phone rings.)

MS. DRESDEN: (Picking up the phone, perky in her response.) Hello, Lay More Productions!

SOL: That’s Lamour. LAMOUR! LAMOUR PRODUCTIONS!

MS. DRESDEN: (Flummoxed, into the phone.) LAY-MORE! LAY-MORE!

(SOL reacts with exasperation and disbelief, and then moves on while MS. DRESDEN takes the call. The camera follows SOL as he walks past the receptionist’s desk, through the doorway into a large, cavernous room. It is a loft encompassing a relaxed office space of well-used, mismatched furniture - a credenza, a sofa and stuffed chairs grouped around an oversized coffee table littered with a land-wired telephone, a laptop computer, and several piles of paper - adjoining a studio set.

The set features a low platform with a cluster of lit spotlights, screens and reflectors focused upon a large bed decorated with richly colored satin scarves and pillows of exotic design, surrounded by numerous pedestals of various heights displaying a spectacular collection of assorted sex toys: feathers, whips, ben wa balls, candles, nipple clamps, leather hoods, dildos, cock rings, handcuffs, butt plugs, and so forth.

Notably, one tall pedestal remains empty. LAWRENCE, young, thin and highly energetic, dressed entirely in black, quickly struts onto the set, carrying a fake plastic plant in a large pot. He goes to the empty pedestal, places the pot upon it, then steps back and considers the effect.)

SOL: (Entering, speaking somewhat gruffly.) Morning, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE: (Turning to face SOL) Good morning, Sol. And how are we feeling today?

SOL: Not so good actually. I’ve got a headache.

LAWRENCE: Out carousing again?

SOL: I can’t hide anything from you, can I?

LAWRENCE: Not so much, but there’s a fresh carafe of coffee on the sideboard, anyway.

SOL: Bless you, Lawrence.

(LAWRENCE turns back to the set, and begins tinkering with the props on the pedestals. SOL walks over to the credenza, upon which is placed a variety of bottled waters, juices, soft drinks and liquors, alongside pots of coffee and hot water, a carton of tea bags, lemon wedges, sugar bowl and creamer, napkins and silverware, an assortment of mugs, tea cups and saucers, some glasses, and an ice bucket. SOL slowly goes about the business of selecting a mug, pouring his coffee, adding sugar and stirring, taking his initial sip. Meanwhile LAWRENCE is busy critically assessing the set, stepping back and forth, looking at it from a variety of different angles, framing the view with his hands, then making a series of precise adjustments to the various props.)

SOL: (Sipping his coffee) You know, I’m beginning to have my doubts about the new girl.

LAWRENCE: Ms. Dresden? She’s only been here a few days.

SOL: Who did you say she is?

LAWRENCE: Trevor’s niece.

SOL: Oh, well. Maybe with a little more time.

LAWRENCE: She‘ll be fine. You’ll see

SOL: (Sighs) I suppose so.

(With coffee cup in hand, SOL crosses over to LAWRENCE who has stopped making adjustments and is now contemplating the overall look of the set. SOL stands next to him and takes in the scene.)

SOL: Nice bush.

LAWRENCE: I thought the set needed a little softening.

SOL: You have a wonderful eye, Lawrence.

LAWRENCE: Why thank you, Mr. Dearing. (LAWRENCE turns and begins fidgeting with the lights, refocusing the spots projected onto the set.) I put today’s schedule and a packet of call sheets on the clipboard. It’s there on the coffee table. And I replaced the robes and put some fresh towels in the changing room.

SOL: (Panicking.) Call sheets! Don’t tell me we have auditions today? God, no!

LAWRENCE: I told you yesterday. Remember? Right after lunch. And I reminded you again just before we left for the night.

SOL: Oh, oh! Yes, I remember. Dr. Orlof says I tend to repress things, you know, I don‘t want to deal with. But it’s come to the point now where I really can‘t face another open casting call, another full day of unrelenting bad acting and unending, empty sex. God, what a prospect.

LAWRENCE: Do you know how many men would give anything to trade places with you, to have your access to all that “unending, empty sex“?

SOL: Oh, sure, I know. When I first started out I couldn’t get enough of it, either. When I think back to the glory days of my debauchery, performing countless feats of prodigious sexual achievement, fueled by the combination of youthful exuberance, stamina, and frequent doses of antibiotics . . . (Sighs and takes a sip of coffee.) But nowadays . . . I have to rely more on those little blue pills.

LAWRENCE: Do tell.

SOL: Of course, in our business, having an erection lasting longer than four hours isn’t exactly a negative side effect.

LAWRENCE: They should make you the company spokesman.

(SOL moves over to sofa, sets his cup on the coffee table and sits down.)

SOL: But seriously, I read somewhere once that of all the white collar professionals, gynecologists have the highest rate of suicide. Now what does that tell you?

LAWRENCE: That one can be exposed to too much pussy?

SOL: Sadly Lawrence, (mimicking Madeline Kahn in BLAZING SADDLES) “It’s twu, it‘s twu.”

(LAWRENCE turns off the lights on the set.)

(SOL Shakes his head, pushes his glasses up on his head, and begins to rub his eye sockets.)

SOL: (Groaning) I had way too much to drink last night. I should have kept on right through to this morning. Which reminds me, is there any more of that Irish whiskey left around here? (SOL pushes his glasses back down over his eyes, grabs his cup, gets up, crosses back over to the credenza, and begins sorting through the bottles.) A little of that would go good in my coffee, just now.

LAWRENCE: Hold on. Wait a minute. I’m about to have a brainstorm!

(SOL, having just found the whiskey, picks up the bottle then looks over at LAWRENCE.)

LAWRENCE: Wait for it. Wait for it!

SOL: (With bottle raised.) Well?

LAWRENCE: How about this? (LAWRENCE moves over to the credenza, coming up to SOL.) Why . . . don’t . . . you . . . take the day off . . . and let me . . . take over here!

(SOL proceeds to pour a large shot of whiskey into his mug, and then takes a swig. He lets out an “aaah” as he feels the burn going down, then puts his drink down and faces LAWRENCE.)

SOL: Absolutely not. It‘s out of the question.

LAWRENCE: Why? I know what to do. I’ve assisted you dozens of times.

SOL: (Skeptically) But a gay set designer directing auditions for the female lead in a hard core porn flick, a straight hard core porn flick? It‘s crazy! (SOL takes his drink, moves over to the sofa, sits down.)

LAWRENCE: Who better than a gay man to maintain his critical sense of artistic judgment while auditioning a naked lady shaking her ta-tas in his face? Certainly I can be counted on not to be overcome by the sudden rush of blood from my brain to my penis!

SOL: I can give you some of my little blue pills for that, if you like.

(LAWRENCE huffs and begins fixing himself a cup of tea, daintily and precisely picking up a porcelain cup and saucer, pouring in hot water, adding a fresh tea bag and lemon wedge.)

SOL: But really Lawrence, how would you know what to look for, what a red-blooded heterosexual male appreciates in a woman?

LAWRENCE: I know enough. I know your type, after all. Well-endowed women with a highly developed sense of drama, plus a touch of the exotic, the bizarre . . . mm, shall we say . . .

(LAWRENCE rapidly dips his teabag in and out of his cup several times)

LAWRENCE: . . . the kinky? And you have a penchant for women with a big, hairy . . .

(Shot of SOL reacting with eyebrows raised above the frames of his dark glasses.)

LAWRENCE: . . . uni-brow.

SOL: As I’ve told you before, casting a performer in one of our films requires a distinctive blend of physical endowment, erotic sensibility, and of course, whatever acting talent we can coax out of them.

LAWRENCE: (Laughs.) Oh, sure. (Sarcastically quoting.) “Lamour productions, the hallmark of quality.”

SOL: (Shaking his head.) And to think I went to film school with George Lucas. He winds up the head of Industrial Light and Magic, and I’m stuck here at (imitating Ms. Dresden) “Lay More Productions.”

LAWRENCE: (Setting his cup and saucer down on the credenza.) You know, you take things way too seriously.

(LAWRENCE goes over behind the sofa and begins massaging SOL’s shoulders.)

LAWRENCE: You’re so tense. You ought to relax. You should take the day off. Allow me to take care of things for you here, for just a little while.

SOL: (Sitting up and turning to face LAWRENCE.) What, and let you cast “Latvian Sex Kitten?”

LAWRENCE: Well, not really. I’d just be picking out the best five or six girls from today for you to see later this week. Of course you’ll still direct the in-depth callbacks and then cast your next starlet, just like you always do. It will be fine, Sol. You’ll see.

SOL: I don’t know. It’s a pretty crazy notion.

(SOL reaches over to the phone on the coffee table, picks up the receiver and punches a button.)

SOL: (Into the phone) Ms. Dresden, send in the first girl. (SOL puts down the phone, stands, and turns to face the doorway.)

LAWRENCE: (Rapidly moving out from behind the sofa to stand opposite SOL, facing the doorway.) Just let me direct the first audition, Sol. You can sit in and observe, see how I handle it. If I do OK, then you can take the rest of the day off. What do you say?

(The door opens, MS. DRESDEN enters, followed by a beautiful, well-endowed young woman wearing a short white robe. The young woman, GISELA, is barefoot and appears to be naked underneath the robe. She has thick eyebrows.)

MS. DRESDEN: (To SOL) This is Miss Gisela Von Tassel. And these, (handing a folder to SOL) are her headshots and resume.

GISELA: (Addressing SOL, with a heavy German accent) That’s fon Vassel. The V is soft.

(Shot of SOL reacting to the word “soft”.)

(SOL looks at GISELA and then at LAWRENCE, considering. SOL slaps the folder on LAWRENCE‘S chest, walks over to the sofa and sits down.)

SOL: OK, Lawrence. Have at it!

(MS. DRESDEN leaves the room, closing the door behind her.)

LAWRENCE: (Turning to GISELA.) Good morning, Miss fon Tassel. I will be directing your audition today. Now if you would slip out of that robe please?

(LAWRENCE walks over to the coffee table, puts down the folder and picks up a small digital camera. While his back is turned to her, GISELA drops her robe to reveal that she is wearing a red and black g-string with matching tasseled pasties. LAWRENCE turns to face her, points the camera at her, and considers the shot.)

LAWRENCE: Tassles?

GISELA: Zey are my trademark.

(LAWRENCE snaps the picture.)

LAWRENCE: Of course. Now if you would turn sideways, so I can get your profile.

GISELA: (Flirtatiously, seductively.) Ja, ja, Herr Direktor.

(Lawrence snaps a picture of GISELA’s profile.)

LAWRENCE: Now if you would turn so I can see your backside please.

GISELA: (Looking back over her shoulder at LAWRENCE, teasingly.) I have a nice ass, ja?

LAWENCE: (Snapping picture.) Very nice.

(LAWRENCE moves to face GISELA’s opposite profile and snaps another photo.)

LAWRENCE: So tell me, why are you the best actress for the part?

GISELA: I have a special talent.

(LAWRENCE puts the camera back on the coffee table, momentarily turning his back to GISELA.)

(GISELA pulls out from her cleavage a slim electronic device. She turns it on, and it begins to play loud, frenetic music.)

(Cut to a reaction shot of SOL.)

(LAWRENCE turns to face GISELA.)

(GISELA stands very erect, with arms extended out to her sides, then begins to gyrate her chest, swinging her breasts in time with the music while causing the tassels to revolve like the twin propellers of a vintage airplane.)

GISELA: First I make zem go clockvize . . .

(Shot of her tassels twirling clockwise, followed by a shot of LAWRENCE looking on, a stupefied look on his face, as he slowly sinks down off his feet onto one of the stuffed chairs.)

GISELA: And zen I make zem go counter clockvize . . .

(Shot of tassels twirling counterclockwise. Shot of LAWRENCE with his eyes bugging out and his mouth hanging open.)

GISELA: For ze grand finale, I alternate zem.

(Shot of alternating tassels. Shot of LAWRENCE sucking his thumb. GISELA turns off the music, puts the player back in her cleavage, then turns and moves toward LAWRENCE.)

GISELA: You want to see my pussy now, ja?

(Alarmed, LAWRENCE backs quickly off the chair, nearly falling on his ass.)

LAWRENCE: (Scrambling to regain his balance) Nein, Nein! No! I mean no, not yet. (Pulling himself together.) I mean that I think now would be a good time to go over your file, if you please.

GISELA: (Laughing.) Whatever you say, Herr Direktor.

(Cut to a reaction shot of SOL.)

LAWRENCE: (Reasserting himself) And you may put your robe back on.

(Pouting, GISELA picks up the robe from where she dropped it on the floor and puts it back on, while LAWRENCE grabs GISELA'S folder from the coffee table and leafs through its contents.)

LAWRENCE: I see from your resume that you’ve done quite a few gigs at clubs and private functions. Have you any experience on camera?

GISELA: Oh, ja, I am very experienced!

LAWRENCE: And what might I have seen you in?

GISELA: Well, there is a video of me doing my routine in the back room of a gentlemen’s club. I’ve a DVD if you want to see it.

LAWRENCE: Didn’t you just show me your routine?

GISELA: But this has a different ending. A very special und wunderbar ending. I will do it for you now!

(GISELA begins to move seductively toward LAWRENCE.)

LAWRENCE: (Waving GISELA back.) I assure you, that’s quite unnecessary!

GISELA: (Reaching for LAWRENCE’S crotch.) But I can make you feel so good!

LAWRENCE: (Swatting GISELA’S hands away with the folder.) Please, Miss Von Tassel! I prefer not to get my pecker wet before finishing my morning cup of tea!

(Cut to reaction shot of SOL.)

(LAWRENCE tosses GISELA’s file on the coffee table, goes over to the credenza, picks up his tea cup, and takes a sip.)

GISELA: (Confused.) So what do you want me to do, then?

LAWRENCE: I want you to show me that you can act. Show me that you can turn me on without coming on to me directly. (Pauses and considers, then sets the teacup back down.) Show me that you can seduce an inanimate object.

GISELA: What?

LAWRENCE: Make love to an inanimate object. Show me that that object arouses a passion in you that you can’t restrain. And that your passion, in turn, inflames that object! I want you to make love to . . . (looking around the studio, then pointing ) . . . to that bush.

(LAWRENCE goes over to the set and switches on a couple of spotlights to illuminate the bush on its pedestal.)

LAWRENCE: Are you ready?

GISELA: I am always ready, Herr Director!

LAWRENCE: Alright, then. Go.

(GISELA runs across the room to the pedestal and the bush, panting and moaning. She mounts the pedestal and frantically begins licking the base of the pot the bush is in, while stroking the bush’s fronds.)

GISELA: Ohhhh, baby!

LAWRENCE: No, no, no, No, NO!

GISELA: Wha?

LAWRENCE: That’s all wrong! Where was the initial attraction? The arousal? The seduction? That’s what I want to see!

GISELA: You want me to flirt with a potted plant?

LAWRENCE: If you’re really an actress, that shouldn’t be a problem. Visualize the bush as the sexiest man you’ve ever seen. Um, he’s standing on a beach wearing nothing but a tight black speedo, (getting lost in his own fantasy) his chest massive and hairy, glistening under the hot summer sun . . .

GISELA: (Wrinkling her nose.) Ooo! Does he have to be hairy . . . and oily?

(Cut to reaction shot of SOL.)

LAWRENCE: OK, OK His chest is as smooth and dry as a baby’s freshly powdered bottom.

GISELA: Ja, das ist so schmutzig!

LAWRENCE: Now go back to where you were standing before and start again.

(GISELA returns to her mark and turns to face the bush and pedestal.)

LAWRENCE: Show me your first glance at the bush, er, that sexy man. Let me see your initial discovery and reaction to his presence.

(GISELA reacts in a highly exaggerated manner, as if being startled.)

LAWRENCE: Make it smaller, please. Show it to me with just your eyes.

(Tight shot on GISELA’S face. Her eyes open wide.)

LAWRENCE: Now he sees you looking at him, and he smiles.

(GISELA leers at the bush.)

LAWRENCE: Take it easy, now. Save some of that for later. Look away now and pretend not to see him.

(Shot of GISELA from the point of view of the bush, framed by its leaves, of GISELA looking down demurely.)

LAWRENCE: Nice. Now walk slowly past him, and let him get a good look at you.

(GISELA vamps across the room, slowly passing close by the pedestal and continuing on a few paces, seductively swinging her ass for the benefit of the fake plastic bush. She turns back to face the pedestal, throws out her chest, puts her hands to her head and shakes her head, fluffing out her hair.)

LAWRENCE: He beckons you.

(GISELA, now caught up in the moment, laughs and eagerly skips over to the pedestal.)

GISELA: Hello, big boy!

(GISELA licks her lips. She takes both hands, and starting at the upper tip of the bush’s fronds, lightly caresses both sides of the bush and slowly moves her hands down the bush to its base.)

GISELA: Oh, baby!

(While erotically rubbing the pot the bush is in, GISELA begins to kiss and lick the top of the bush’s fronds, again slowly moving down. Upon reaching the bush’s base and the pot, she whimpers.)

GISELA: Why don’t you let me help you out of those trunks?

(GISELA grasps the bush at its base and pulls it out of its pot.)

GISELA: (Gasping) My god, what an enormous root!

LAWRENCE: (Overcome with passion) Ohhh!

(GISELA pulls the bush to her chest and mounts the pedestal, writhing passionately. GISELA and the pedestal fall over onto the bed, crashing into several adjacent pedestals which in turn go down like a row of dominoes, sending waves of cascading chaos across the elaborately decorated set. Serially, the collection of sex toys perched atop the falling pedestals clatter noisily to the floor.)

(Slow motion shot of columns and props falling)

LAWRENCE: (In slow motion) O-h-h-h-h-h-h-h n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ! ! ! ! !

(Real time shots of ben wa balls bouncing off the bed and of a cock ring rolling across the floor.)

(LAWRENCE looks with horror at the destruction wrought upon his set. After the clatter of dislodged props finally dwindles down to silence and he’s had a moment to take it all in, LAWRENCE turns to face GISELA.)

LAWRENCE: (Struggling to keep control of himself.) Thank you, that’s quite enough, Miss Von Tassel.

GISELA: That’s all?

LAWRENCE: Yes. After you change back into your street clothes, please leave. We’ll be calling back the girls we wish to see again later on in the week. Thank you for coming in today.

(Unassisted by LAWRENCE, GISELA awkwardly gets up off the bed, straightens her robe and her hair, then exits the room, looking back over her shoulder to blow a kiss to LAWRENCE. LAWRENCE watches her leave and then looks down and nervously fidgets with his fingers for a moment before looking over at SOL.)

(An awkward pause.)

SOL: Well, at least you didn’t direct her to make love to me.

LAWRENCE: (Smiling weakly) There might have been a rough spot or two . . . (hopeful) but I think that went rather well, on the whole.

SOL: (Chuckling.) You amuse me Lawrence. And that’s why I’m not going to make an issue out of that fiasco I just witnessed.

LAWRENCE: Thank you, Sol.

(SOL gets up from the sofa.)

SOL: (Shaking his head) I must be out of my mind, but I really could use a break. And I expect you’ll get better with practice. OK, Lawrence. For the rest of the day, you’re in charge.

LAWRENCE: Thank you, Sol. You won’t regret it.

SOL: (Moving toward the door.) I hope not. Remember, I’m counting on you to pick me out some nice talent. And clean up this mess before the next girl comes in!

LAWRENCE: Right. Thank you, Mr. Dearing! (SOL exits, LAWRENCE moves over to the set and picks up the fake plastic bush.)

(Fade to black.)

Written by Old Ned Scruddermann. Copyright 2011.
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Haiku to an Ex

2011-02-26T13:39:00.004-06:00

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No more tit for tat,

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . offsetting penalties nor

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . an eye for an eye.

YouTube Tuesday: Delite & Bootsy Collins!

2011-01-18T14:27:00.004-06:00

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Today's YouTube Tuesday features a video clip of a live performance featuring the funky and delicious Delite, with a little help from Bootsy Collins:

We're going to dance

and have some fun

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White Noise Haiku

2011-01-16T07:57:00.010-06:00

Why must I spend nights

sleeping near a waterfall

without getting wet?

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Hoppy New Year!

2011-01-01T18:42:00.002-06:00

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Ding dong, ding dong

2010-12-31T23:13:00.001-06:00

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Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

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YouTube Tuesday: Hallelujah!

2010-12-28T15:16:00.003-06:00

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Hallelujah Chorus
- Quincy Jones and various artists

And he shall reign forever and ever
King of kings
Forever and ever
And Lord of lords
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

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Happy Crimble

2010-12-25T01:08:00.006-06:00

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Everywhere it’s Christmas
At the end of every year!

- The Beatles

A Happy Crimble and a Very New Year!

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Happy Christmas

2010-12-23T21:42:00.007-06:00

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From Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon & Yoko Ono.

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A jolly zombie Christmas!

2010-11-10T12:29:00.002-06:00

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What with "Gay Zombie Halloween" having recently passed from being topical to becoming passé, it’s time to move on. With Thanksgiving fast approaching and Christmas not far behind, the time calls for a Zombie Christmas sketch. I am rising to the challenge, and hereby commit to post just such a sketch in this blog, several days before Christmas.

For now, I’m just in the brainstorming stage. Here are some ideas I‘m currently considering:

A very zombie Christmas

The twelve zombies of Christmas

Zombie on 34th street

Zombie Housewives of Hooville

A zombie Christmas Carol

The gift of the zombie

A muppet zombie Christmas

It's a wonderful zombie life

Stay tuned for future zombie developments.

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Time Traveling with Charlie Chaplin

2010-11-08T09:21:00.002-06:00

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Not long ago, the internet was abuzz with the news that original footage from the 1928 Charlie Chaplin film, “The Circus” shows what appears to be the image of an odd-looking background character talking on a cell phone.

Just after this story went viral, my old friend Ramon Maximo called me up to ask whether I was available to act in a video he wanted to do, as quickly as possible. I said I was free and he emailed me the script. A few days later - this past Tuesday morning as a matter of fact - we shot it.

The completed work, “Charlie Chaplin Time Traveler Stuck With Massive Cell Phone Bill“, was posted on YouTube by Wednesday.

Maximo is nothing, if not fast!

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Haiku PSA

2010-10-24T14:19:00.007-05:00

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.. I M P O R T A N T .. N O T I C E :

Never let the Zombies in

or else you'll be one!

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Bad Haiku 41

2010-10-23T12:02:00.004-05:00

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I'm afraid that this

is turning to something else

but I don't know what

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Gay Zombie Halloween

2010-10-17T07:03:00.005-05:00

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Here’s “Gay Zombie Halloween,” a Comedy/Horror sketch conceived in the form of a short video written by myself, Old Ned Scruddermann, copyright 2010.:

(Tight shot on a TV screen, showing the President of the United States, standing behind a podium, addressing the nation.)

PRESIDENT (in mid-speech): Recent escalating attacks of zombies upon homosexual communities in New York, Miami, Hollywood and Provincetown call attention to an increasingly urgent public safety issue. As Commander in Chief I take my responsibility to assure the safety of every American -- be they black or white, male or female, straight or gay -- very seriously. As I've said before, the buck stops with me. Therefore, tonight I am directing the federal government to take every step possible to put an end to Zombie attacks on innocent Americans, beginning with the deployment of the national guard to the localities in greatest jeopardy. And I promise you, we will prevail. We will show the world that when we put our will to it, there is no challenge we can’t surmount, no goal we can‘t achieve. While some may question whether it is still possible, in this era of cynicism and divisiveness, for all Americans to band together for the common good, I say “Yes, we can.”

(The image on the TV screen abruptly switches from the president to a news panel show, initially focusing on the moderator and then shifting back and forth between the panelists as they discuss the president's comments. As this goes on the camera slowly pulls back to reveal that the TV is placed in a modern, very tastefully decorated apartment, complete with abstract, impressionistic paintings and sculptures which subtly incorporate phallic imagery. In the space above and beyond the TV set we see a young metro-sexual male, neatly attired and wearing a short, frilly kitchen apron, meticulously and somewhat nervously setting two places at a table for dinner. At one point he puts a pair of candlesticks and a vase of flowers at the center of the table, then reconsiders, shakes his head, and finally picks them back up and places them out of the way, on a sideboard.

While all this is going on, the following appears on the TV screen, the image abruptly cutting from the President to the news talk show:)

TALK SHOW MODERATOR: Issue one, gay zombie attacks and the president's response. I put it to the panel, what impact will this have on the mid-term elections? Eleanor?

ELEANOR: Before I comment on that, I think the President should be commended for making such a bold statement in support of the gay community. Rather than ignoring the problem or suggesting that gays should go back into the closet as a way of preventing attacks on themselves -- along the lines of previous administrations' policies of "don‘t ask, don‘t tell" -- his words underscore the President’s commitment to true equality among all Americans.

(The image on the TV screen cuts to reaction shot of PAT, the snarky male conservative panelist, who rolls his eyes and smirks at the camera.)

ELEANOR: Now as to the election, republicans are predictably seeking to exploit this as a wedge issue . . .

PAT: (Talking over her) If anything, it is the democrats who are seeking to exploit the situation.

ELEANOR (growing increasingly strident): Excuse me, excuse me! I haven't finished making my point! Conservative evangelicals are already taking the opportunity to blame the crisis on what they describe as the victims' (using her fingers to denote the quotes) "immoral lifestyle choices". Of course this is an old, familiar tactic from the right wing playbook, a cynical ploy to distract the electorate from the Republicans' complete lack of ideas for dealing with the nation's problems.

PAT: Oh, please! If anyone is seeking to exploit this it's the democrats. They desperately need to re-energize their liberal base in order to get out the vote. That's what this is really about. And as for the president's so-called "bold" statement, it's just more meaningless rhetoric with no real substance behind it, as we have heard so often before from this President in dealing with all the other crises of the past twenty months.

ELEANOR: None of which, it should be pointed out, were of his making! And by the way, I wouldn't describe a deployment of the National Guard as meaningless rhetoric, without substance.

PAT: Are you suggesting that this is George W. Bush's fault?

(As the debate reaches this climax, a buzzer goes off and the young man exits to the kitchen, off camera. We hear the sound of an oven door being opened, then slammed shut. The doorbell rings and the man reenters the room, wearing oven mitts. As he crosses to the door he takes off the mitts and tosses then onto the sideboard. Passing by the TV set, he turns it off.

The young man, SEAN, opens the front door. A young attractive woman, SAMANTHA, enters carrying a gift wrapped bottle of wine. She smiles and throws her arms around SEAN.)

SAMANTHA: Hi, baby!

SEAN: (Hugging SAMANTHA, then breaking out of the clinch.) Hi, Samantha. Let me take your coat. (He helps her with her coat, then looks her over.) Oh, that's a lovely outfit you're wearing, it really compliments your eyes and your skin tones.

SAMANTHA: (Laughs) Thank you. And look at you, so domestic. I can't wait to find out what's under that apron!

SEAN: Samantha!

SAMANTHA: Oh, relax! (Teasing) I'm not going to eat you, at least not before dinner! I brought us a nice bottle of wine for this special evening.

SEAN: Special?

SAMANTHA: We've been going out for over a month now and this is the first time you've ever had me over to your home. I've been looking forward to this. (Looking around the room) You know, this looks like you, so tasteful and artistic.

SEAN: Thank you.

SAMANTHA: Mmmm. What's that yummy smell?

SEAN: Lasagna. I just took it out of the oven and popped the garlic bread in. When that's done I'll toss the salad and we can eat.

SAMANTHA: Why don't we get started on the wine?

SEAN: I'll get the glasses. (As SEAN goes to the sideboard to fetch the glasses and bottle opener, the doorbell rings. After a brief moment it rings for a second and then a third time.) Now I wonder who can that be?

SAMANTHA: It's probably trick-or-treaters, silly. You couldn't have forgotten that it's Halloween?

SEAN: Um, I've been a little preoccupied lately.

(The doorbell rings several times, more insistently.)

SAMANTHA: Do you have any candy?

SEAN: Not really. The closest thing I've got is maybe some Altoids or Rolaids.

(The doorbell rings again, several times.)

SAMANTHA: How about fruit? Do you have any fruit?

SEAN: I've got a couple of lovely kiwis, a banana, maybe a zucchini.

SAMANTHA: Why don't we just turn out the lights and pretend no one is home? I'll bet we can come up with something to do in the dark!

SEAN: (Flustered) Uh, why don't I just take a quick look in the kitchen?

(SEAN quickly exits to the kitchen. For a moment we hear slamming drawers and cupboard doors as SEAN searches for something to give the kids, interspersed with more, increasingly insistent doorbell ringing. SEAN returns carrying a large bowl.)

SAMANTHA: What did you find?

SEAN: Leftover condiments I've been saving from take-out deliveries. I've got little packets of soy sauce, duck sauce, hot mustard. If I hold the bowl up high and whip the packets into the kids' bags, they'll never realize I'm not giving them candy.

SAMANTHA: That might work.

(SEAN goes to the door and opens it. From outside, off camera,we hear the sound of children chanting.)

TRICK-OR-TREATERS: Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!

(SEAN begins chucking the packets into the kids' bags.)

SEAN: Here you go. Happy Halloween!

TRICK-OR-TREATERS: Trick or treat!

(SEAN closes the door and smiles.)

SEAN: Worked like a charm! Now, where were we?

SAMANTHA: You were about to open that bottle of wine.

SEAN: Right.

(While SEAN moves to the sideboard, sets down the bowl of condiments, then picks up the wine bottle, glasses and corkscrew, SAMANTHA moves over to the sofa and sits down. SEAN comes over to the sofa, sits down next to her, places the bottle, glasses and corkscrew on the coffee table in front of the sofa and proceeds to open the wine while SAMANTHA watches, expectantly. SEAN pours a small amount into a glass and offers it to SAMANTHA. She swirls the wine in the glass, sniffs the bouquet, then takes a sip.)

SAMANTHA: Oh, that’s lovely.

(SAMANTHA gives her glass back to SEAN, who then fills it and returns it to her. He fills his own, and then raises it towards SAMANTHA.)

SEAN: Well, cheers.

SAMANTHA: (Raising her glass and smiling suggestively at SEAN) To an unforgettable evening.

SEAN: (Raises his glass again, then haltingly repeats Samantha’s toast) Um, an unforgettable evening. (Sean quickly puts his glass to his lips.)

SAMANTHA: (Raising her glass once more) To us!

(SEAN chokes on his wine and coughs several times.)

SAMANTHA: (Patting SEAN’S back) Baby, you’re so tense! Why don’t you just sit back and relax?

(SEAN sits somewhat stiffly back on the sofa while SAMANTHA moves closer to him, then grabs his arm and pulls it around her shoulders. She snuggles against his chest.)

SAMANTHA: Now isn’t this nice?

(With his free hand SEAN takes another sip of his wine, while, in response to SAMANTHA’S question, he mechanically pats her shoulder with his other hand.)

SAMANTHA: It’s about time we got a little more intimate, don’t you think?

SEAN: Well, that’s why I invited you over tonight.

SAMANTHA: (Looking up at him, with heightened interest.) Oh?

SEAN: There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

(SAMANTHA pulls herself up and looks searchingly into SEAN’S eyes. A moment passes.)

SAMANTHA: Oh my god, I knew it! You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?

SEAN: Not exactly.

(The doorbell rings.)

SAMANTHA: What do you mean, ‘Not exactly’?

(The doorbell rings again. SEAN quickly springs up from the sofa, goes over to the sideboard, picks up the bowl of condiments then goes to the door and opens it. Several kids can be heard shouting.)

TRICK-OR-TREATERS: Trick or treat! Trick or treat!

SEAN: Hey kids! Trick or treat.

(SEAN begins to fling condiments into the children’s bags, although he’s somewhat distracted and isn’t taking much care in keeping the bowl up high and its contents hidden.)

ONE OF THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS: This isn’t candy! It’s soy sauce!

(Some of the other kids begin to grown and howl. SEAN quickly pulls the bowl up to his chest.)

SEAN: That’s not from here. I bet you got that from Mr. Wilson. You know, the old guy down the street who’s always yelling at everybody to stay off his lawn. He’s a real meanie!

ONE OF THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS: What's in the bowl, mister? Show us!

OTHER TRICK-OR-TREATERS: (Chanting, raggedly) Yeah! Show us! Show us!

(SEAN quickly slams the door shut, and then leans against it cradling the bowl to his chest. He closes his eyes and takes a moment to compose himself, while the doorbell quickly rings several times. Muffled cries can be heard from the kids, outside.)

TRICK-OR-TREATERS: Hey, Mister, why don’t you give us candy? We’re going to trick you! (etc.)

(After a moment the children cease their protests and the doorbell stops ringing. SEAN opens his eyes and looks over at SAMANTHA, who is still seated on the sofa, watching him intently.)

SAMANTHA: Sean?

SEAN: I’m sorry.

(SAMANTHA gets up from the sofa and begins to move toward SEAN, who’s still at the door.)

SAMANTHA: Look, I’m here for you.

SEAN: Wait!

(SAMANTHA stops, about halfway to the door.)

SAMANTHA: (Soothingly.) Take it easy, baby.

SEAN: It’s not what you think.

SAMANTHA: (Slowly moving toward SEAN, while attempting to reassure him.) It’s OK, really. It’s not that big a deal.

SEAN: You’re making it hard!

SAMANTHA: (Half joking) Good, then why don’t you just relax and let nature take its course? I’ll show you the way, babe.

(Smoke begins pouring into the room from the kitchen.)

SEAN: That’s not what I mean. (Pauses and sniffs the air) Do you smell something burning? (Sees the smoke) Oh, no! (SEAN shoves the bowl into SAMANTHA’S arms, grabs the oven mitts from the sideboard and rushes into the kitchen.)

(Sounds of oven door being opened, rack being pulled out, and the sound of burnt toast being scraped with a knife.)

SEAN: (Mournfully, from off camera, in the kitchen) Oh, the garlic bread’s ruined! I should have set the timer!

(The doorbell begins to ring, repeatedly.)

SAMANTHA: (Calling to SEAN from the door, and becoming increasingly exasperated) Forget about the garlic bread. Come take care of me!

(The doorbell continues to ring, ever more insistently.)

(SAMANTHA angrily turns to the door and opens it.)

SAMANTHA: (Yelling) What do you want!?

SEAN: (Reentering from the kitchen, upset.) I’m sorry, I like you but I just don't want to have sex with you.

(Several eggs come flying through the door. SAMANTHA drops the bowl on the floor, and a couple of eggs hit her on the chest, splattering and ruining her outfit.)

TRICK-OR-TREATERS: Trick or treat, asshole! Ha! Ha!

(SAMANTHA leaves the door standing open, turns to face SEAN. She begins to loudly sob.)

SAMANTHA: (Wailing.) You don’t think I’m attractive!

SEAN: That’s not it!

SAMANTHA: Look at me. I’m covered with raw eggs and you don’t think I’m attractive!

SEAN: But you’re not my type.

SAMANTHA: WAAH! You think I’m ugly!

SEAN: You don’t understand. I’m trying to tell you that I’m into boys. I’m gay. I’m GAY!! I‘M GAY!!!

(Suddenly several zombies burst through the open front door. They push past SAMANTHA and move toward SEAN, throwing their arms forward and flopping their hands down, limp-wristedly.)

ZOMBIES: OOOOOO!

SAMANTHA: (As zombies close in on and overwhelm SEAN) You don’t want me either! (She cries and runs out the door.)

(Blackout.)

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Haiku Hangover

2010-10-02T18:15:00.001-05:00

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The yippy dog is out,

yelping on the balcony.

Someone shoot that bitch.

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Toxic Haiku

2010-09-13T08:26:00.001-05:00

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Oh, your love is like

radioactive debris --

hard to get rid of.

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Incendiary Haiku

2010-09-11T08:43:00.004-05:00

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Burning the Koran,

one sure way to fan the flames

of nine eleven.

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Really Bad Haiku

2010-09-10T16:30:00.002-05:00

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Sometimes it’s better

to stop than keep plumbing the

depths of suckitude.

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Back from Hiatus

2010-09-04T20:48:00.004-05:00

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It's been a busy summer, and even though it's been roughly a hundred days since I last posted anything here, in that time I've done quite a bit of writing, including three travel books totaling over 300 pages, plus a handful of comedy sketches co-written with several of my teammates from the improv troupe I'm in, GOD'S FAVORITES.

With all that writing going on, it seemed reasonable to take a break from regular blogging -- especially since I ran dry of interesting and original things to say this past spring, ultimately resorting to commentary about the ties I wore each day to work during the last few weeks of the tax season. Sheesh!

Coming back to this blog after such a long break, my first impression was that it looked rather tired. The original format reminded me of the cover to an old earth sciences textbook from a class I had in junior high school several decades ago.

It's high time for a change. So with today's posting, I give you a new, more visually stimulating format. I hope too, that in the days and weeks to come, the writing will prove to be more interesting as well. I'll do my best!

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Moving on

2010-05-19T19:37:00.002-05:00

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I can’t believe we’re two-thirds of the way through May already and this is my first and only entry for the month.

I’ve been busy. I’ve been on a virtual tour of Spain, writing intensely, and performing improv with my new troupe, which now goes by the name “God’s Favorites“ (we were formerly known as “Human Nature Show”). We’re nothing if not cocky.

And then I’ve decided to learn to play bass guitar. I just began today. My first session consisted of:

> Finding and playing the major and blues scales in E

> Playing along to the bass line of “Walking on Thin Ice.” It’s perfect -- the song’s in E and can be played almost entirely on open strings. It was fun playing along with the YouTube video.

> Practicing alternating finger strums on open strings, then up and down the blues and major E scales .

Not a bad start.

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Return to Chirpin' Chicken

2010-04-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

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Last year I acted in a video short, "Cheeky" Episode 2 of "LOL (Life on Laureen)," in which I played the part of the manager of a fried chicken stand where the main character, a young actress named Laureen Loréal, applies for a day job.

The video featured a humorous song I wrote in which I got her to cluck like a chicken. It was a lot of fun to shoot (on an open set in a real fast food restaurant with actual, unsuspecting customers wandering through and laughing at our performances), and turned out pretty good.

Just today I got a message from the video’s creator Laureen Lembé:

I'm in chicago for 2 weeks. I'm gonna shoot 2 more episodes. I'm writin something for you. Hope u are still interested

Indeed I am.

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Human Nature Show @ the Underground Lounge

2010-04-25T09:49:00.002-05:00

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Tonight I’ll be performing as a member of the improv troupe HUMAN NATURE SHOW at the Underground Lounge in Wrigleyville. The show begins at 8:00 pm and will include sets by three or four different improv acts and will conclude with an open jam in which members of the audience can participate if they wish.

The Underground Lounge is located at 925 W Newport Avenue, just east of the intersection of Newport Avenue with North Clark. There’s no cover charge and the Lounge features a wide assortment of reasonably priced beverages for your enjoyment.

Come check us out!

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YouTube Tuesday: What you gonna do when you get outa jail?

2010-04-20T07:49:00.001-05:00

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For the answer to this and other musical questions, check out the following videos of outstanding live performances by the Tom Tom Club this past summer (in Chiba, Japan):

> WORDY RAPPINGHOOD

> GENIUS OF LOVE

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ah

2010-04-17T02:43:00.000-05:00

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Finally

2010-04-15T08:18:00.006-05:00

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At last it's April 15th. As a tax preparer, I look forward to the conclusion of a very long stressful day and ultimately, the tax season. And to finally having a day off, having worked seven days a week since early February.

I can't wait to get back to improv, writing and acting, and to "hanging out" with good friends.

Happy Tax Day, everyone!

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Another day at the keyboard

2010-04-14T08:46:00.001-05:00

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Hard day at the office

2010-04-13T08:22:00.002-05:00

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With our little tax service swamped by anxious, last minute customers, Monday was a hard day at the office.

Oh, and here's a helpful workplace tip: be mindful of loose-fitting clothing when using the paper shredder.

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Sunday's tie

2010-04-12T01:18:00.003-05:00

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Sunday’s tie was a joy to wear. First of all, it features one of my favorite motifs: flying saucers.

Also, it’s a tie I wore two years ago when I laid down the visuals and the soundtrack for a humorous sci-fi musical video (or something) in which I appear as an animated character in Model Rocket Scientist’s “Waste Time, Want Time.” It was written and directed by my friend and “Room For Cream” mate, Don Schwieger. He’s just finished post-production and editing and is planning on entering the 35-minute short in a number of upcoming film festivals. I haven’t seen it yet myself, but I’ve heard that it’s not bad.

Finally, I wore this onstage Sunday night in my third performance with that new improv troupe I’ve mentioned previously. We were back again at the Underground Lounge in Wrigleyville and performed as “Human Nature Show.” It was good fun.

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My ties: the week in review

2010-04-10T22:22:00.001-05:00

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OK, I admit it. This week I fell out of the habit of photographing and posting the various ties I wore to the office each day to mark the waning moments of the tax season. I did continue to pick out a different tie each day, but by the middle of the week I had gotten behind in taking the pictures, to the extent that I was no longer wearing the ties when I finally shot them. Then this morning I overslept my alarm and had to dash out of my apartment in a frenzy to make the train, not realizing until I was halfway to work that I had forgotten to select a tie. I took a picture of my boss’s ties at the office, instead.

So here they are now, the past week’s ties in review:

MONDAY

I had to run a legal errand to Daley Plaza for my boss, so I picked out a conservative design that might befit a lawyer.

TUESDAY

Tuesday night after work, I had a gig with my new improv troupe (name still to be determined) at a new venue, Beckett’s Public House in Lakeview, on Lincoln Avenue just north of the intersection of Lincoln, Belmont and Ashland. So Tuesday I wore a tie I thought would look good onstage. It did and we had a fine show, despite some problems with the sound. Next time I expect it will be even better.

WEDNESDAY

You can tell this is when I stopped photographing myself wearing the ties because the next several shots are all against the same background. Still, I did wear the ties to the office -- I just didn‘t get around to chronicling most of them till today.

THURSDAY

Here’s a tie I used to wear some years ago when I was a mid-level marketing executive in the hair care industry. Coincidentally enough, Thursday was a rather good hair day.

FRIDAY

I wrote about this tie yesterday.

SATURDAY

Some of my boss’s ties at the office.

Stay tuned for the final week’s ties of the 2010 season. I promise you, there are some good ones coming.

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Pickled Haring

2010-04-09T23:25:00.005-05:00

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Well here it is Friday, April 9th, the first day of the last week of the 2010 tax season. To mark the occasion, today’s choice of tie is a favorite, a Keith Haring inspired design which takes me back to the days of my youth in Manhattan, New York, living and working in the “Big Apple” during the early 1980s.

It was an exciting time and an exciting place. The thing I loved about the city then was the tremendous diversity of experience, the nearness of great works of art and inspired performances, the sense that you could discover something wonderful or encounter somebody incredibly interesting or talented there at any time of the night or day.

When I first arrived in Manhattan, I used to regularly stride past original sketches by the then unknown artist Keith Haring, in the form of startling chalk designs that spontaneously appeared on black papered sign boards at various subway stations across the city. (At the time, the bill board companies used to “black out” the boards when one advertiser’s contract expired and there was un-booked time before the next advertiser rented the space). I can still vividly recall several of the posters, humorously surreal designs of nuns pushing baby strollers, flying saucers hovering over gigantic desert cacti, and countless variations of those inter-locking, cartoonish human forms Haring eventually became famous for.

Within that first year I was in New York, I encountered perhaps a half dozen Haring originals - even stepped up and smudged the chalk outline on one or two of them.

I remember a conversation at a cocktail party where everyone talked about having seen the wonderful subway posters and wondering who the artist was. A manager from an ad agency said that one of the creative directors at his firm had been taking a razor to the posters, cutting them out of the signboards, stealing off with them and then framing them for his private collection. There was definitely the vibe that this mysterious artist was on the cusp of being discovered, and sure enough, it wasn’t long before Haring’s work was being featured in gallery showings, on magazine covers and in imported vodka ads.

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Word of the day

2010-04-07T23:43:00.003-05:00

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Penultimate weekend pass

2010-04-04T22:16:00.000-05:00

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The end is nearing.

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Happy Easter

2010-04-04T21:56:00.004-05:00

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Well it’s Easter Sunday, and just like every other day of the past sixty, I’m expected at the office.

Here’s the tie I’ve picked out to celebrate the holiday.

While I’m at it, I think I’d better get caught up with the past few days’ “Cravate du jour”s.

Here they are:

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

and SATURDAY‘s ties.

HAPPY EASTER.

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Last ride on my monthly pass

2010-03-31T23:15:00.002-05:00

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Having just now returned home from the tax office, tonight I took my last ride on Metra’s March train pass.

Since I’ll only be having to commute for another 14 days or so, tomorrow I’ll switch back to ten ride passes.

The end is nearing.

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Another red tie

2010-03-31T08:29:00.000-05:00

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Today I’ll be sporting my favorite red tie, one which I’ve worn on several occasions to act in various videos. The funniest I think, was when I appeared as the Burgomaster in “Farewell to Tarwathie” to utter the fateful line, “And you haven’t touched your whale meat!”

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A week's worth of ties!

2010-03-30T08:59:00.004-05:00

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Although it’s been a week since I last wrote about any of my neckties, I have in fact followed through on my scheme of celebrating the passing of the final month of tax season by wearing a different necktie to the office each day, photographing and posting each as the “Cravate du jour” over in the left margin of this page.

In case you missed them, here are the past week's ties:

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

YESTERDAY

And TODAY'S TIE.

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Sidewalk art

2010-03-27T21:24:00.003-05:00

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Here's something I encountered on the way to work this morning:

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Something wicked wonderful

2010-03-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

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Something wonderful recently came my way in the form of an old, battered paperback novel I found on the train.

“Something Wicked This Way Comes,” by Ray Bradbury, is a sci-fi fantasy set in a small, Midwestern farm community about the time of the Depression. Late one October eve an eerie, haunted carnival blows into town setting up a bizarre chain of events that builds up to an epic confrontation between good and evil.

Around page 99, my favorite passage begins when the story’s protagonist, 14-year old Will, asks his dad why he’s so sad. Will’s father responds by explaining why being good doesn’t necessarily lead to being happy, then goes on to share his life’s biggest regret and his ultimate hopes for his son.

It’s a wonderful monologue.

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Banned in Wheaton

2010-03-23T07:59:00.004-05:00

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Today’s tie is one they wouldn’t let me wear onstage in Wheaton.

A few years back I played Dr. Spivey in the Wheaton Drama production of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” Considering the Doctor’s neck ties as a sort of Rohr shock test, I thought it would be cool to wear wild, psychotic designs to mirror the mood and imagery of the rest of the play, as well as to underscore the Doctor’s own psychic turmoil.

The wardrobe chair did not agree and would not let me wear this tie, nor several others I had picked out, in the production.

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Tie of good fortune

2010-03-22T02:09:00.004-05:00

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I stole a little time away from taxes last night and wore today’s tie onstage in the debut performance of an new improv troupe, name still to be determined, at the Underground Lounge in Wrigleyville.

It was a good show.

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The first necktie of spring

2010-03-21T06:21:00.002-05:00

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Today’s tie was picked to match the weather,

which is slushy cold, wet and snowy.

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Tip toe through the tulips with me

2010-03-20T07:57:00.008-05:00

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Here’s a tie I wore onstage as Tiny Tim - not the Dickens character, but the 1970’s ukulele-playing, freak novelty act best known for the warbling, falsetto rendition of “Tip Toe Through the Tulips” he performed on “Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in” and for marrying hippy Miss Vicki on “The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.”

I played Tiny seven or eight years ago in a western suburbs community theater production of “Applause,” a 1970’s Broadway musical comedy loosely based on the movie “All About Eve,” and originally written as a starring vehicle for Lauren Bacall.

It was a pretty crazy show.

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Cravate du jour

2010-03-19T01:22:00.006-05:00

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Now that April 15th is within sight, I’ve decided to celebrate the passing of the final month of this year’s tax season.

My first notion was to post a series of pictures showing a game-clock style countdown, ticking down one second per day from 00:30 to 00:00 on the 15th, or the boxes in a calendar being progressively crossed off till reaching the date taxes come due.

Instead I'm going to celebrate the occasion by wearing a different necktie to the office each day, from now until the day after income tax day (our office is staying open through the end of the week).

Here’s today’s tie, a lovely number decorated with red chili peppers:

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Back to work

2010-03-18T01:38:00.000-05:00

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Now arriving

2010-03-12T05:14:00.004-06:00

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Last night after work, while waiting at the station for the west line train to come take me back to Chicago, savoring the unexpectedly mild, fresh air and watching distant flashes of lightning arcing across an approaching storm front, it suddenly occurred to me that for the first time in weeks, there was no snow remaining anywhere to be seen, not even where it had been plowed up into waist-high banks following the last blizzard.

Spring is on the way.

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Doing my time

2010-03-10T06:34:00.001-06:00

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Well, here it is Tuesday, March 9th, and due to the fact that my boss asked me to come into the office an hour earlier than usual and I forgot that there’s no West Line train scheduled between 8:40 and 10:40 am, I find myself sitting at the Metra station food court with an unexpected hour of “free time.”

Since mid-January, my life has consisted mainly of working long hours at an electronic tax service -- inputting numbers from our clients’ W-2s, mortgage interest statements and other financial documents into the computer -- interspersed with long treks via foot, CTA and Metra trains back and forth between my apartment and the office (three hours total, every day), and five or six hours of sleep each night at home. I’ve had just a few days off in late January and early February, but have been on the job seven days a week since then and am expected to continue on, without respite, through Friday, April 16th.

It’s been weeks since I’ve seen a movie or play, auditioned for acting or improv gigs, or simply hung out with friends. I haven’t seen a lot on TV lately, completely missing out on the Superbowl, the Winter Olympics and the Academy Awards.

Having to deal with an unending stream of clients, there are no breaks on the job, other than occasional visits to the toilet or quick trips to the back room to wolf down a bag of chips, some mixed nuts or candy provided by the boss to sustain our energy through the long days without taking off time for meals.

While most of our customers are nice and it can be quite interesting unearthing the essential facts of other people’s lives through the collection of their financial data, the job of inputting all of that information is quite tedious -- requiring close attention to detail and unending checking and re-checking of the numbers entered into the computer. It’s both mind-numbing and highly stressful, knowing that a single erroneous keystroke can cost a client thousands of dollars or result in someone’s tax refund being deposited into the wrong bank account.

Being a temp job, there are no benefits. I’m paid an hourly wage that’s just enough to keep me off the streets. It may not be much, but it’s the best I can do until mid-April, when I can return to my life of freelance writing and acting, with numerous paying gigs already lined up to carry me from late spring through the fall.

Until then, I’m just doing my time in purgatory.

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Good fortune, Cookie!

2010-02-27T20:32:00.003-06:00

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“There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you.”

Recently I was asked to join a new improv team that’s forming up, led by a recent Second City Conservatory graduate I met a couple of years ago at WiP (Workshop-in-Progress). He’s a very talented and funny performer who is already scouting out potential gigs and planning on enlisting the aid of the group to write and perform sketches and musical numbers, as well as shooting short videos to be posted on YouTube.

I am excited and grateful for the opportunity. It’s been a while since I’ve done any improv on a regular basis and I’m itching to get back to it.

Stay tuned for further details.

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An actor's actor

2010-02-23T08:45:00.005-06:00

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I just learned of the passing of a beloved actor who played one of “the dead” in the production of OUR TOWN I acted in a couple of years ago, the richly talented J David Moeller. He was the friendliest and most colorful member of the company. With his long hair, craggy face, and deep, resonant voice, he was the perfect choice to deliver the lines closing out the show:

And my boy, Joel, who knew the stars-- he used to say it took millions of years for that speck o' light to git to the earth, Don't seem like a body could believe it, but that's what he used to say--millions of years.

During our times together offstage, J David often regaled me with stories from his long acting career. In many ways, he embodied what I still aspire to become, a wonderful character actor who could really affect the audience. This ideal was perfectly expressed in his credo:

Beyond performance . . . there is nothing. To tell the story, to live it for the audience; to calm them, inspire them, cajole or tease them; to bring them to tears, and to laughter, to open their eyes, to answer their prayers; to anger or excite, to incite them to change; to soften their hearts, to settle their anxieties and fortify their resolve . . . is all I can know or can do. There is nothing else. I am an actor.

Rest in peace J David. It was a pleasure and a privilege to have shared a few moments with you, both on and offstage. Thank you for that gift.

To learn more about J David, visit his website.

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Mummy's Only Looking for Her Hand in the Snow

2010-02-16T09:58:00.005-06:00

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Today for YouTube Tuesday, I offer something from the “Live Peace in Toronto 1969” album featuring Yoko Ono with John Lennon, Eric Clapton, Klaus Voormann and Alan White.

I give you “Don’t’ Worry Kyoko (Mummy’s Only Looking for Her Hand in the Snow).”

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"Where'd you leave the baby, Joe?"

2010-02-16T09:41:00.003-06:00

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Attitude adjustment

2010-02-10T09:39:00.001-06:00

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It’s a Saturday morning, and once again I’m setting off for my temp job in the suburbs. I leave my apartment, head up the street, then go around the corner on my way to the El. There I encounter a couple having a very loud argument on the sidewalk. They’re shouting and swearing at each other, and as I pass by, the man screams a particularly nasty epithet directly into my ear. Walking on, I glance back over my shoulder at him.

“What are you looking at, nigga? This is a private conversation.” He yells.

“Hey, this a public place! You’re the one who put your business on the street.” I respond.

The man swears at me. I swear back, but keep on moving down the sidewalk.

A few blocks later I come to an intersection marked with four way stop signs. There’s a SUV approaching but as it’s still yards away, I claim the right of way and enter the crosswalk. About the point when I reach the middle of the road, the over-sized vehicle speeds through without stopping, missing me by just inches.

Enraged, I scream out the ultimate obscenity and flip off the driver. I reach the opposite corner, then pause to reflect. “Geez, I haven’t been out of my apartment ten minutes yet, and I’m already in a horrible mood.” I take a deep breath then continue on to the El.

I reach the station without further incident. When the train pulls in, I step into the nearest car and find an open seat next to a well dressed, middle-aged oriental gentleman. As I sit down he smiles and nods, then pulls a map out from his jacket.

“I must go to red line?” he asks. He points to a spot on the map on the north side of town, just off the red line.

Before answering, I think back to a trip I took to Japan nearly ten years ago. Upon my arrival at Kansai International airport, a total stranger -- a Japanese businessman who happened to have been on my flight -- asked me if I needed any assistance in getting to my ultimate destination. Before taking my leave, he directed me to the customs area where he patiently waited for me to clear, then personally escorted me through the busy terminal to the point of departure for the bus to my hotel.

Grateful to have the opportunity of returning the favor, I smile and address my companion on the train.

“Yes.” I say. I point to the route map over the car doors. “You should stay on this train until you reach Jackson, then get off and take the stairs down from the platform. Follow the walkway to the end, then go up the stairs and you’ll be at the stop for the red line.”

“Jackson. Thank you very much.” He nods.

A few moments later the train arrives at my stop. I get off and continue on my way, with my mood considerably lightened.

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YouTube Tuesday: An obvious choice

2010-02-09T09:40:00.001-06:00

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Today for YouTube Tuesday, I thought I’d present one of the Who’s most famous tunes, one which they neglected to play at the Superbowl.

Here’s a bit from their performance at Woodstock, all those years ago:

“We’d like to play a song which kind of is our - we knew we were going to come back and do it . . . It’s kind of our hymn, the song about you and me and getting a bit old, now.”

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A sunny day

2010-02-08T23:05:00.004-06:00

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Today (Monday) was a lovely day for this time of year in Chicago, with a clear blue sky and the temperature climbing into the low thirties. It was such a nice day that - for the very first time in 2010 - I wore my sunglasses.

Late breaking update:
They're predicting fifteen inches of snow for tomorrow.

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Along the way

2010-02-04T22:01:00.002-06:00

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A good bit of my daily commute is on foot -- from my apartment to the El, from the loop stop to Ogilvy metra train station, and from the west suburban terminus through an old housing tract to my office at a commercial strip mall, then back again -- about three miles, round trip.

Here are some views from along the way.

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There and back

2010-02-03T02:27:00.009-06:00

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On the way to work yesterday:

Coming home last night:

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Signs, signs

2010-02-02T10:17:00.009-06:00

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Today I thought I’d share my reactions to some of the ads I encounter on my way back and forth to work:

I don’t get this. Who could possibly care that much about anything so trivial?

OK. Now take a look at this.

I bet the greenest thing about this product is the bottle.

And then there's . . .

Now that’s funny. The first time I saw this I laughed out loud. Still, I have no intention of seeing the film.

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Winter Haiku

2010-01-30T12:37:00.007-06:00

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Suddenly a chill.

Shudder, then collect myself,

I must keep going.

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The Most Trusted Name in News

2010-01-27T10:03:00.009-06:00

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Today’s Huffington Post features a link to an item from the Public Policy Polling blog which reports that “Fox is the Most Trusted Name in News.”:

Raleigh, N. C. - A new poll asking Americans whether they trust each of the major television news operations (ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX and NBC) . . . Finds that the only one getting a positive review is FOX News. CNN does next best followed by NBC News, then CBS News, and finally ABC News.

I'm not at all surprised that Fox came out on top, since neither PBS (truly the most "fair and balanced" source of news reporting on TV) nor Comedy Central (home of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart) were included in the survey.

PBS and Stewart are my primary sources of news on TV. It's been years since I've tuned into any of the other networks.

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A sudden chill

2010-01-19T12:15:00.017-06:00

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It’s a dismal, gray Monday in January and I’m on my way to my first day at my latest temporary job, that of a data entry clerk for a tax preparer out in the Western suburbs. Having worked there during last year’s tax season, I wonder how the clients have been doing since then. This is what I wrote upon finishing up with them, last spring:

Sadly, the one thing that nearly all my clients had in common, no matter what their occupation or social status, was that they were hurting financially. Many have lost their jobs, cashed out of 401-K's early, or had their homes foreclosed within recent months. I met one young couple with a beautiful four-year-old son who, after giving up their home in the suburbs, are going to have to send their child to live abroad with his grandparents while they move into an apartment in a rough neighborhood on Chicago's west side.

. . . Several clients . . . lost money buying and selling stocks while the market crashed last fall, including one gentleman who was in the hole for over 300 thousand dollars . . . There's deep and broad-based resentment toward all those Wall Street financiers who not only got bailed out by the government, but received hefty bonuses after screwing up their companies and the economy . . .

As I progress on foot, on the El, and on the Metra train to the Western suburbs, passing through many economically depressed neighborhoods, I look for signs of recovery. There’s not much to get excited about. Here a men’s hair salon has opened up on a corner where a coffee house closed down the year before, there a new barbecue restaurant has replaced an old greasy spoon where I used to go for breakfast on Sunday mornings.

But mostly what I see are countless shuttered businesses and abandoned construction sites.

I stop at a convenience store to grab a cup of coffee and a snack. Going inside, I find my path blocked by a young, well dressed, professional looking black man. He’s on his cell phone and is totally absorbed in his call. I excuse myself and manage to slide by, annoyed that he shows no acknowledgment of my presence nor gives me any room to pass.

For a moment I busy myself filling my cup and making a selection from the pastry case. Without meaning to eavesdrop, I eventually begin to take in his end of the conversation:

“Listen, what I don’t need is advice. What I need is for someone to help me out . . .”

“I will not live on the street . . .”

“I can’t live on the street. I’m not one of those gangsta types. Are you going to help me or not?”

With coffee and bagel in hand, I pass by him again. I sneak a look at his face. He’s a million miles away, totally oblivious to the surroundings.

Suddenly, I feel a chill.

I shudder, then collect myself. I must keep going.

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A little bit over the age limit

2010-01-16T15:21:00.003-06:00

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This has been a good week on TV for the elderly.

On Tuesday night the PBS show Independent Lens aired the film, “Young@Heart,” a 2006 documentary about a group of senior citizens who perform inspired interpretations of punk, rock, and blues songs by artists such as the Clash, Radiohead, and James Brown.

Their renditions of “Road To Nowhere” and “I Wanna Be Sedated” gave new meaning to the originals, while being hilarious and surprisingly optimistic.

We're on the road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin' that road to nowhere
We'll take that ride

Just put me in a wheelchair
Get me to the show
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Before I go, oh no!

“Fix You” featured a standout solo by Young@Heart Chorus member, Fred Knittle, which took this Coldplay tune to another level.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

On Wednesday night, General Larry Platt appeared on “American Idol” and performed his original rap number, “Pants on the Ground,” which has since become a viral hit on the internet. Sadly, Simon had to inform Platt, “The only slight problem, Larry, is that you’re a little bit over the age limit, which is 28.” (Ironically, at age 62, the General is a few years shy of qualifying for membership in the Young@Heart Chorus --everybody in that group is over 70.)

Final note: As I’m completing this entry, I’ve got my TV on, tuned into a classic episode of “Julia and Jacques Cooking at Home.” Today they’re making soups. They may be long in the tooth**, but they’re still fabulous to watch.

Postscript: Later on Saturday the BBC Series "As Time Goes By" featured a visit with the lively senior generation of Hardcastles, Madge and Rocky, who are famous for frequently exhorting their guests to, "Rock on!"

Rock on, indeed.

**Fred Knittle and Julia Child have passed on since these shows were recorded -- Knittle in 2009, and Child in 2004. Rest in Peace, Fred and Julia.

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Broken links

2010-01-14T19:08:00.009-06:00

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I’ve been blogging for about two and a half years, now.

Over that time, I’ve continually tried to improve “Meanwhile, back on Earth . . . “ When I began I knew little about the mechanics of publishing online. For the first six months or so my entries consisted entirely of text, mainly for the reason that I hadn’t yet figured out how to incorporate any sort of visual imagery.

Early in 2008, after acquiring my first digital camera, I learned how to upload original photography. Before long, I began to incorporate my own photo-illustrations along with images from the web, greatly enhancing the visual appeal to my postings. (In fact I was so pleased with the results that I went back and retrofitted the original entries with graphics, as well.)

Next I sought to include videos, sometimes clips of films I acted in, but more often, music videos that conveyed a particular mood or theme which fit whatever it was I wanted to communicate on any given day. Initially, my intention was to embed the videos within the text, as is commonly done in a lot of other blogs, but I didn’t care for the terms to the agreement I was required to endorse in order to do so. Instead, I’ve opted for posting links to other sites where the videos can be found (YouTube, generally).

One frustration I have with the videos is that many of them soon disappear. Just last week I posted a link to a video of a live performance of “Tell Me Something Good” by Rufus and Chaka Khan. As of this morning, it was no longer available.

For crying out loud -- it’s only been NINE DAYS!

Likewise on Christmas Day 2008, I posted “Old Ned’s Christmas Play List,” featuring 12 videos for much loved rock ‘classics’ -- a compendium of performances ranging from the Beatles to Coldplay. Of that original dozen, four have already been removed from YouTube for copyright claims/terms of use violations.

Sigh.

While I respect artists’ copyrights, it is frustrating to lose links to favorite videos. When I can, I try to find an appropriate substitution to replace the original. (For example, the original video of Queen’s 1986 performance of “Under Pressure” at Wembley Stadium featured in my very first “YouTube Tuesday” was pulled a few months after I initially posted it, but I was eventually able to replace it with another.)

However, sometimes there's no good substitution to be made.

So if you encounter a broken link, please understand: I’m constantly working to maintain and improve the appearance of “Meanwhile, back on Earth . . . “

Thank you for your patience.

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Shattered

2010-01-12T08:21:00.003-06:00

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Not long ago I dropped my shaving mirror on the bathroom floor.

Damn!

So for today's YouTube Tuesday, I'm serving up an old favorite from the Rolling Stones.

Check out a clip from Martin Scorsese's SHINE A LIGHT, a 2006 live performance of SHATTERED at the Beacon Theater in New York City.

Shadoobie, shattered, shattered
What say? Shadoobie, shattered
Shahdoobie, shattered
Shahdoobie, shattered

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Not the Saddest IMDb Profile Ever

2010-01-11T15:31:00.003-06:00

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Today’s Huffington Post features another online slideshow/poll, this time for “The Saddest IMDb Profiles Ever.”

Not every actor can have the filmography of Samuel L. Jackson or a Meryl Streep. Some folks only have one or two roles under their belts and those roles walk that fine line between sad and amazing. These are those IMDb pages.

I have to admit my first reaction was “Uh oh!” Then, like I suspect hundreds of other actors probably did, I went through the survey to see whether my profile is included.

As you might expect, the eight IMDb profiles featured are all for actors and roles practically no one has ever heard of. Six of the eight actors are credited with only a single role. Nearly all the roles are unnamed characters, simply described as various low-life types (and in one instance, just a body part). Here, in rank order, are the "Saddest” profiles -- their roles and their ratings (as voted on a scale ranging from 1 “They’re gonna be a star” to 10 “Oh so bad”):

> #1 - Rating 9.2: Woman who urinates herself

> #2 - Rating 7.4: Drugged-out loser

> #3 - Rating 7.4: Horny guy

> #4 - Rating 7.0: Mexican paint huffer, Zombie

> #5 - Rating 6.6: Man in crack house

> #6 - Rating 6.5: The creepy hand

> #7 - Rating 6.4: Farting guy, Paul, Wesley Sturgeon

> #8 - Rating 6.3: Pirate bar hooker

(If you really want to know the names of the hapless actors and the projects they are featured in, you can find out by going to “The Saddest IMDb Profiles Ever.”)

I am relieved to say that my profile is not included among these.

While I admit that practically no one has ever heard of me and that there is at least one role in my IMDb profile which might have made the survey -- that of “Drunk Pa,” a character whose main accomplishment is throwing up on himself -- I am currently credited with seven roles, most of which are authority figures like Doctor, Burgomaster and News Producer. I am also credited with one named role, that of Mr. Bates, an angry father. Two of the roles are in independent features, the rest are in short films.

It may not be much, but at least it’s enought to keep me off the list of “The Saddest IMDb Profiles Ever.”

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Airport Haiku

2010-01-10T10:37:00.001-06:00

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Out of Context

2010-01-10T09:41:00.000-06:00

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Over at Chainsaw Calligraphy the following graphic is prominently displayed:

"Setting crap on fire with the power of my mind since 2001."

Chainsaw Calligraphy is:

a) A promotional website for a remake of “Village of the Damned”
b) A terrorist chat room
c) A playwright's blog
d) A website for transportation workers

(Find out the correct answer by going to Chainsaw Calligraphy.)

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Presidential Haiku

2010-01-08T13:29:00.006-06:00

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Unlike President George W. Bush, whose tendency was to claim early success in the face of unfolding fiascos ("Mission accomplished,” “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job!”) and who never admitted making a mistake until well into his second term (“’bring ‘em on’ . . . sent the wrong message to people”), Barack Obama appears to be quick to take responsibility.

Yesterday, in announcing measures his administration is taking in response to the attempted Christmas day airline bombing, he had this to say:

“ . . . Ultimately, the buck stops with me. As President, I have a solemn responsibility to protect our nation and to protect our people. And when the system fails it is my responsibility.”

This isn’t the first time Obama has expressed this sentiment. On March 18th, 2009, in response to widespread public outrage over the announcement of AIG’s payment of $165 million in executive bonuses after receiving $173 billion in bailout funds from the federal government, Obama said:

“Nobody here drafted those contracts. Nobody here was responsible for supervising AIG and allowing themselves to put the economy at risk by some of the outrageous behavior that they were engaged in. We are responsible though. The buck stops with me.”

Indeed, there are a number of instances going back to before he was sworn in as President of Obama paraphrasing the sentiment made famous by the sign on Harry S. Truman‘s desk.

On July 15, 2008, in an interview with Larry King, candidate Obama said:

“My job as commander-in-chief is to set the mission. It’s to determine the strategy and then to ask our military to carry it out. Now, how I set that strategy is going to be informed by what capabilities we have, what information is on the ground. But ultimately, the buck stops with me.”

On December 2, 2008, in a press conference to announce his new foreign policy team, President-elect Obama said:

“I will be setting policy as president. I will be responsible for the vision that this team carries out, and I expect them to implement that vision once decisions are made. As Harry Truman said, the buck will stop with me.”

Of course it can be pointed out that so far, Obama has only expressed the desire for the buck to stop with him before taking any action, or in situations where he has implied or asserted that the mistakes he has accepted responsibility for weren’t directly caused by himself, as in the instances of the “systemic failure” of homeland security and US intelligence agencies to intercept the Nigerian terrorist before getting on that airplane, or the activities of others who “put the economy at risk.”

It’s been a good nine months now since Obama made his statement about AIG bonuses. Since that time we’ve seen even larger bonuses paid out by other financial institutions bailed out by the U.S. government while there’s been no real initiative toward reforming Wall Street.

Also, since naming his foreign policy team, Obama recently made the decision to increase U.S. military forces in Afghanistan by an additional thirty thousand.

Ultimately the proof of Obama’s expressions of responsibility will be born out by his actions (or inactions), their consequences and how he responds to them.

It remains to be seen how this will work out.

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YouTube Tuesday: "Tell Me Something Good"

2010-01-05T14:19:00.006-06:00

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For the first YouTube Tuesday of the New Year, I have selected a funk classic, “Tell Me Something Good,” written by Stevie Wonder and performed by the band Rufus, with sexy lead vocals from Chaka Khan.

Tell me something good
Tell me, tell me, tell me
Tell me that you like it (yeah)

Check out a hot live performance (Superfunk version) from the old TV Show, “The Midnight Special.”

“Tell Me Something Good” is one of several great songs featured on the album “Rags to Rufus,” the first funk album I ever purchased. It’s still one of my favorites.

Have a funky new year, ya’ll!

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Care for a truffle? ("Yes, you know it's Good News")

2010-01-03T11:06:00.010-06:00

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Speaking of Good News, how about some candy from the Beatles? Check out this video for “Savoy Truffle” (the tune may be old, but it’s still tasty!)

Creme tangerine and Montélimar
A ginger sling with a pineapple heart
Coffee dessert -- yes you know its Good News
But you'll have to have them all pulled out
After the Savoy truffle.
Yes, you'll have to have them all pulled out
After the Savoy truffle.

The song was inspired by the names of the flavors found in a box of Mackintosh's “Good News” chocolates, and the dental hygiene of George Harrison's chocoholic friend, Eric Clapton.

Enjoy.

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Good News for the New Year

2010-01-02T20:39:00.001-06:00

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Call me superstitious if you like, but for 2010 I think it’s most important to start off the new year with some good news, for a change.

Have a Happy New Year!

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Joya-no-kane

2009-12-31T08:39:00.001-06:00

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One hundred eight times

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the bells will chime this evening.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ring out the old year!

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Winter Walk

2009-12-30T10:22:00.000-06:00

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I just checked the weather forecast for the next couple of days leading into the New Year. Basically it’s for snow, followed by bitter cold. Blech! I’m glad I was able to get out for a nice walk yesterday -- a lovely day for late December.

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Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

2009-12-30T10:08:00.009-06:00

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Today the Huffington Post blog is running a slideshow/poll of “The Dumbest Quotes of the 2000s”:

The 2000s (or the 'noughties' as the kids are calling them) are coming to a close. And to celebrate, we've been counting down the funniest movies, sketches, and people of the past ten years. Next up, quotes. But not just funny quotes - DUMB quotes, which as we know are the best kind.

The poll features 23 statements from 19 personalities, including numerous politicians, commentators and entertainers such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, former White House Press Secretary (for Bush) Dana Perino, Vice President Joe Biden, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Kanye West, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Ms. Teen South Carolina 2007, among others.

There are three personalities with multiple entries in the poll -- Britney Spears (2), Sarah Palin (2), and George W. Bush (3). Among the three George W. Bush quotes is my personal favorite, “They misunderestimated me,” which is currently ranked as the 10th dumbest of the survey.

As with any short list, there are numerous glaring omissions. Certainly, with only five dumb quotes between them, Palin and Bush are seriously under-represented. There’s no mention of Palin’s explanation of how Alaska’s proximity to Russia qualified her as an expert on foreign policy during the last election nor of her misstatement of the duties of the Vice President of the United States. And what of Bush’s famous declaration which came early on in the Hurricane Katrina disaster? (“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job!”)

Also, how can it be that there are no quotes at all from Dick Cheney (“Reagan proved deficits don’t matter.”), John McCain (“The fundamentals of the economy are strong.”) or Donald Rumsfeld ("We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." – on Iraq 's weapons of mass destruction)?

Nonetheless, here in ascending order, are the top five dumbest quotes of the 2000s, as voted by readers of the Huffington Post:

#5 - Sarah Palin: “All of ’em, any of ’em that have been in front of me over all these years.” - unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, from her 2008 interview with Katie Couric.

#4 - Rush Limbaugh: “Exercise freaks . . . are the ones putting stress on the healthcare system.”

#3 - Sarah Palin: “It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand, ’Sit down and shut up.’ But that’s the worthless, easy path. That’s a quitter’s way out.” - announcing her resignation as Governor of Alaska.

#2 - George W. Bush: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee - I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can’t get fooled again.”

#1 - Dana Perino: “We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term.”

Not a bad list. But there’s one missing statement which, as far as I’m concerned, is hands down, the dumbest of the decade:

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Graffiti Haiku

2009-12-29T15:59:00.000-06:00

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2009's most frequently mentioned topic (s)

2009-12-28T14:59:00.012-06:00

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Just in case you're wondering, during this past year here at "Meanwhile, back on Earth . . . " the most frequently mentioned topic was chicken, followed by Hades Haunted House, ice, incivility, the Wall Street bailout and German translations of the phrase, kitty litter.

Related images included:

You might think that one of those references would have led to a recipe for fried chicken or a good fricassee, but strangely enough, none did.

That's just the kind of year it was and the sort of blog this is!

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Happy Christmas

2009-12-25T01:59:00.004-06:00

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From Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon & Yoko Ono.

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Christmas Eve, 2009

2009-12-24T08:45:00.001-06:00

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Voila! Virtual Christmas Tree, decorations and presents, just in time for the holiday.

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Season's (Virtual) Greetings

2009-12-23T09:56:00.003-06:00

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Oops! What with all the holiday excitement I somehow neglected to get my greeting cards posted in time for snail mail. So this year, a virtual greeting will have to do:

Merry Christmas, from Old Ned.

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Virtual ornamentation

2009-12-22T10:59:00.001-06:00

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This morning I added some ornaments to my virtual Christmas Tree. Funny how much doing this contributed to my spirits. After working on the tree I went out and shoveled the snow off my neighbors’ walks.

Still gotta add some garlands and candy canes. And presents!

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The tree is lit!

2009-12-21T23:25:00.000-06:00

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Well, I got my virtual tree up and lit today. I think it looks good in my front room. Tomorrow I’ll add decorations.

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Old Ned's Virtual Christmas Tree

2009-12-20T17:21:00.000-06:00

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This year, for Christmas, I’m putting up a virtual Christmas tree. Today you can view the undecorated tree I’ve selected. Over the next several days between now and Christmas Eve, I’ll place the tree in my virtual living room, add virtual lights, ornaments, and candy canes, then virtual presents and other stuff underneath it.

If you’d like to contribute a virtual ornament or present, I’ll be happy to add it to the scene. Send your images to:

oldnedscruddermann@gmail.com

And now I think I'll grab a cup of virtual eggnog.

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Old Ned's Pol of the Year

2009-12-19T08:00:00.013-06:00

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Although I began the year with great enthusiasm and high hopes for President Obama, and found Sarah Palin’s erratic public behavior since resigning as Governor of Alaska strangely compelling, my favorite politician of 2009 is Democratic Senator Al Franken of Minnesota. In just six months the former SNL writer and comic performer has shown himself to be a serious, articulate and forceful proponent of the progressive agenda in the United States Senate. (Due to his contested election Franken wasn’t sworn into office until July 7th.)

Highlights of the past year include:

> On June 30th, Franken was certified by the Minnesota Supreme Court as the victor of the contested election for junior senator from Minnesota, becoming the 60th Democratic senator and nominally giving the party a super-majority and the ability to end filibusters.

> On July 22nd, along with Senator Johnny Isakson (Rep., Georgia), Franken introduced his first piece of legislation, the Service Dogs for Veterans Act, which will set up a pilot program within the Department of Veterans Affairs to pair service dogs with veterans who have physical or mental wounds, including PTSD. The legislation passed unanimously.

> During a private Democratic lunch this past summer Franken berated oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens for helping to finance the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth attacks against Senator John Kerry in the 2004 presidential campaign.

> Franken asked a number of thoughtful questions regarding abortion and rights to privacy in the confirmation hearings for Sonia Sotomayor to become Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court. He also asked the most entertaining question of the hearings, following up on Sotomayor’s statement that watching the old Perry Mason TV show as a child inspired her to take up the law. Franken admitted to being a fan of the show as well and asked Sotomayor if she could recall the name of the one episode when Mason lost his case. She couldn’t. (The answer is “The Case of the Deadly Verdict.”)

> On September 2nd, while appearing at the Minnesota State Fair, Franken engaged in a discussion on healthcare reform with a group of Tea Party protesters, and showed remarkable thoughtfulness and civility at a time when many town hall meetings across the country were degenerating into pointless shouting matches.

> On September 23rd, during testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee to urge reauthorization of expiring provisions of the USA Patriot Act, Franken asked David Kris, Assistant Attorney General of the Justice Department’s National Security Division how the Act’s “roving wiretap” provision could satisfy the requirement of the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution that “no Warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized” if the provision doesn’t require the government to name its target.

> On October 1st Franken introduced legislation raising the required percentage spent on medical expenses (as opposed to marketing, salaries and administrative expenses) by private insurance companies receiving government subsidies to 90%.

> Also in October Franken offered an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations Bill that withholds defense contracts from companies “if they restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court.” The amendment passed, despite 30 dissenting votes all coming from Republican party Senators.

> This past Monday (December 14), in a Senate debate on healthcare reform, Franken challenged Senator Jon Thune’s (Republican, S.D.) misleading assertion that taxes on the proposed healthcare reform bill would begin immediately but that benefits wouldn’t begin until 2014, stating that “We are entitled to our own opinions. We’re not entitled to our own facts.”

> And finally on Thursday (December 17), while chairing Senate proceedings on healthcare reform, Franken declined to allow Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut to continue speaking on the Senate floor once Lieberman’s allotted time had expired. According to Franken’s spokesperson, Jess McIntosh, the Minnesota Senator wouldn’t allow Lieberman to continue because the time limits were being strictly enforced by Senate leaders rushing to finish the proceedings prior to the year’s end.

(Considering what a pain Lieberman has been to the Democratic party, lately, I think anyone who shuts him up should be applauded, and that no further explanation is necessary.)

Way to go Al. I wish you were my Senator!

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